Your child's teenage years can be a difficult time. Teens may feel overwhelmed by the emotional and physical changes they are going through. At the same time, teens may be facing a number of pressures - from friends to fit in and from parents and other adults to do well in school, or activities like sports or part-time jobs.

The teenage years are a time of transition from childhood into adulthood. Teens often struggle with being dependent on their parents while having a strong desire to be independent. They may experiment with new values, ideas, hairstyles and clothing as they try to define who they are. Although this may be uncomfortable for parents, it is a normal part of being a teenager.

What Can I Do to Help My Teen?

Communicating your love for your child is the single most important thing you can do. Children decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how their parents react to them. It is also important to communicate your values and to set expectations and limits, such as insisting on honesty, self-control and respect for others, while still allowing teenagers to have their own space.

Parents of teens often find themselves noticing only the problems, and they may get in the habit of giving mostly negative feedback and criticism. Although teens need feedback, they respond better when it is given positively and spoken with love.

Praising appropriate behavior can help your teen feel a sense of accomplishment and reinforce your family's values.

What Warning Signs Should I Look For?

Teens, especially those with low self-esteem or with family problems, are at risk for a number of self-destructive behaviors such as using drugs or alcohol or having unprotected sex. Depression and eating disorders are also important issues for teens.

The following may be warning signs that your child is having a problem:

Agitated or restless behavior
Weight loss or weight gain
Drop in grades
Trouble concentrating
Ongoing feelings of sadness
Not caring about people and things
Lack of motivation
Fatigue, loss of energy and lack of interest in activities
Low self-esteem
Trouble falling asleep

What Should I Do If There is a Problem?

If you suspect there is a problem, ask your teen about what is bothering him or her. And then listen.

Don't ignore a problem in the hopes that it will go away. It is easier to cope with problems when they are small. This also gives you and your teen the opportunity to learn how to work through problems together.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Many resources, including your family doctor, are available.

We cannot control our feelings;

We CAN control our behavior.

CONSIDER OTHERS.

Listen and seek to understand by taking the perspective of another person -- or 'put yourself in another's shoes'. This is an important characteristic of being emotionally intelligent.

LEARN TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS IN APPROPRIATE WAYS.

Keeping feelings of sadness or anger inside takes extra energy and can cause problems in your relationships and work or school. It's important to let people close to you know when something is bothering you and how you are feeling.

THINK BEFORE YOU ACT.

Emotions can be powerful. But before you get carried away by your emotions and say or do something you might regret, consider the possible positive and negative consequences. Be reflective.

STRIVE FOR BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE.

Don't obsess about problems at work, at school, or at home. Focus on positive things in your life. Make time for things you enjoy. Be aware of whether you are seeing the glass half-empty or half-full.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH.

Physical and mental health are two sides of the same coin. Take care of your body by exercising regularly, eating healthy foods and getting enough sleep. Don't abuse drugs or alcohol. Be proactive in taking care of yourself.

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers

by Gary Chapman

This book contains very practical guidance on how to express the teen's primary love language, how to teach them appropriate responsibility, and how to properly handle both parental and teen anger. It is a tangible resource for stemming the tide of violence, immorality, and despair engulfing many teens today.

More Information

Changing the "Self" in "Self-Esteem" ~ There are two basic types of love. The first, self-love, may be expressed in a variety of beguiling forms, but at its foundation it is always self-centered. It exists on the edge of dysfunction, because it is motivated, first and foremost, by emotions and desires. It loves only because of the pleasure and satisfaction it hopes to gain. The second type is far more rare: outgoing love. It is based on true concern for the well-being of others and subordinates the inwardly directed desires of the self. This love is the core of healthy self-esteem.

Coming To Their Emotional Rescue (pdf) ~ Middle school years can be tough. But, by fostering a child's emotional intelligence, parents can make it easier.

Developing a Feeling Vocabulary ~ Not being able to accurately articulate our and other's feelings can lead to frustration and a reluctance to communicate. Learning the nuances of the expression of emotion leads to validation of feelings and it gives partners, parents, friends, and siblings the language to help recognize, accept, express and understand their feelings.

EQ.org ~ Comprehensive online source for information on emotional intelligence.

Spirituality Can Foster Physical and Emotional Health ~ Science used to avoid the study of spirituality, which Webster's defines as an attachment or sensitivity to religious and/or moral values. Spirituality was much too controversial. However, science no longer ignores the role of spirituality in human well-being. Recent findings confirm the importance of spirituality in physical and emotional health.

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