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A guide to realizing if your child is at-risk, displaying self-destructive behaviors, and needs your help and intervention.
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Moms! Help Your Overweight Daughter
Does This Sound Familiar?
When I first met the mother of 17-year-old Sandee she was beside herself with frustration. . .
Sandee is at least twenty-five pounds overweight, according to her doctor. And I just don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried everything. I even offered to diet with her for support, but she refused. Nothing works, she just keeps gaining weight and she doesn’t even seem to care! In fact, she’s always angry with me. I’m at my wit’s end!
I
saw Sandee later that day. Her mother was right: she was significantly
overweight. But interestingly, she had a very different story to tell. . .
My
mother is constantly nagging me about my weight. She thinks I don’t care
about how I look and that if she keeps reminding me, I’ll suddenly stop eating
and get skinny. She doesn’t realize how hard it is for me. She
suggested that we go on a diet together — but I said no way! If I did
that, she’d really be watching everything I eat! Does she honestly think
that will help me? Besides, of course I care about my weight, I’d just
never tell her because she’s so critical.
For Sandee and many of the girls with whom I work, weight is a significant issue. They live in a world of “super-sizing”, “two for the price of one” and “all you can eat”. Food is part of practically every aspect of their social lives. What’s more since many parents work, teens find themselves with unstructured time after school and there can be great temptation to eat in order to fill time or cope with life’s pressures.
For
many girls, food and eating seem to be a central aspect of their family life as
well. Their parents may love to eat and have lots of food and junk food
around, making it difficult to resist temptation. Alternatively, parents
(particularly mothers) may be overly concerned about their own weight — living
on salads and exercising constantly. This may cause a daughter to use food
and overeating as a form of rebellion. What’s more, learning dieting
behavior, rather than healthy eating, will also make it hard for a girl to learn
healthy habits. Given this complex set of issues, it is no wonder so many
girls are overweight.
To make matters worse, teens are complex and emotional at the best of times, so parenting them can be very trying. And the relationship between teenage girls and mothers is particularly complicated. Dealing with your daughter’s normal psychological and developmental changes is challenging enough.
In addition, the very act of raising a daughter often evokes (sometimes painful) memories of your own adolescence causing you to respond emotionally to your daughter’s life experiences. An overweight daughter might remind you of your own emotional pain experienced as an overweight teen, or the negative feelings you had about a peer who was overweight.
The struggle to keep your daughter close while she tries to become independent can also impact on how much she’s willing to accept your opinion about how she looks and what she should do about it. For many girls, their new found independence is fragile. So they won’t consider any opinions from mom — the one person from whom they’re trying to separate.
When you have an overweight daughter the first and most important information you need is that you have very little control over your daughter's eating or exercising habits.
This may come as a surprise to you and you may not like it (or even believe it!) but the truth is, by the time your daughter reaches about 13 (it could even be a bit younger), you may be able to control things like school attendance, curfew, or TV and computer time. But your control over her bodily functions — such as sleep, eating, sex, alcohol, smoking and drugs — becomes more and more limited over time. Hopefully, you’ve done your best to instill good lifetime habits, you’ve shown by example how to live a healthy life and you’ve fostered an open, communicative relationship with your daughter.
These will all go far to guide her down the right paths. But in reality, when it comes to food and eating, you will not be able to force-feed her fruit and vegetables. You also won’t be able to refuse to allow her sweets. She will get them elsewhere and eat them without you knowing. This won’t help her become healthier. Instead it will foster resentment, lying and secrecy between you and her.
What's A Mom To Do?
So what can you do to help your daughter? In fact, there is a great deal, and the following suggestions will help guide you not only to helping her become healthier, but also to developing a closer relationship with her.
You may find some or all of the following ideas difficult to accomplish, depending on your own issues around food and eating, and also taking into account your overall relationship with your daughter. But all are important and even if you master them very slowly, one at a time, you will feel better and so will she.
Read Dr. Bartell's articles: Moms of Teenage Girls! Help Your Daughter Create a Healthy Body Image and Help Your Teen Adjust to a Stepfamily.
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Practical Help, Real Answers for Adoptive & Foster Parents
The Adoptive & Foster Parent Guide: Help Your Child Heal From Trauma & Loss
National Institutes of Health (NIH) Consumer Health Information Helpline 1-877-946-4627
Dr. Susan's GIRLS-ONLY Weight Loss Guide by Susan S. Bartell
The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families by Mary Pipher
Therapeutic boarding school for girls, ages 13-18 1-800-910-0412
More Information
ADHD drug use for youth obesity raises ethical questions ~ Has the obesity epidemic among children become so severe that it's ok to prescribe Adderall -- a drug not approved for weight loss when the drug can have serious, sometimes life-threatening side effects?
Certain Weight Control Behaviors May Precipitate Obesity Among Adolescent Girls ~ Certain weight-control behaviors (e.g., vomiting, laxative use, erratic eating) may actually contribute more to weight problems than other behaviors. Also, parents who are overweight may also contribute to their adolescent’s future weight problem.
Eating Disorders and Obesity: How Are They Related? ~ Eating disorders, obesity, and other weight-related disorders may overlap as girls move from one problem, such as unhealthy dieting, to another, such as obesity.
F as in Fat 2009: How Obesity Policies are Failing in America ~ Adult obesity rates increased in 23 states and did not decrease in a single state in the past year.
Obese kids more likely to be bullies and victims ~ Overweight adolescents are more likely than normal-weight children to be victims of bullying, or bullies themselves, bolstering evidence that being fat endangers emotional health as well as physical health.
School Social Standing Linked to Teen Girls' Weight Gain ~ Teenaged girls who believed they were lower on the social ladder were more likely to put on extra pounds over a two-year span.
Teenage obesity may raise risk of MS ~ Weight during adolescence, rather than childhood or adulthood, is critical in determining the risk of Multiple Sclerosis, research suggests.
Teenage obesity is as bad for health as smoking ~ Teenage obesity carries the same risk of premature death as those who smoke ten cigarettes a day, researchers have found.
Understanding Youth and Adolescent Overweight and Obesity: Resources for Families and Communities ~ Obesity rates are increasing among all ages, educational levels, and ethnic groups. There are many factors that can increase the risk of adolescent obesity, including school pressures, family conflict, and environmental influences. However, parents, the community, and schools can make a difference when it comes to preventing and solving the problem of overweight and obesity in adolescents.
What's to lose? Nurturing healthy living in older, overweight children ~ Your job as a parent is to encourage and support positive choices, but you can not live your child’s life. Start with good food choices in the home and perhaps your child will accept your support and choose a healthy lifestyle.
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