How can I help my 
The founder of Heartlight Ministries, offers vital help to parents of teens who exhibit destructive or unhealthy behaviors and actions. Parents will learn how to look beyond behavior to the heart of a teen, recognize how kids stuff the void God wants to fill, have proper expectations for themselves and the teen, create a belief system and effective rules in the home, and set boundaries and nurture a sense of security. An ever–increasing number of families face these life storms. With expertise and compassion, Mark offers them the knowledge and understanding they need for their journey from struggling to success.
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A guide to realizing if your child is at-risk, displaying self-destructive behaviors, and needs your help and intervention.
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A Father's Critical Role by Mark Gregston, founder of Heartlight Ministries
What Makes A Family Strong? - I Love You Just the Way You Are Simple Actions to Connect with Your Child - Parenting Teens
Don’t be fooled into thinking that dads aren’t all that important. Kids need dads to validate their self-worth.
Many problems can come to a family and to future relationships for the children when a dad is absent or not as involved with his kids as they need him to be. Not only does an absent dad make it hard on the mom – who then has to play both roles – but it is also confusing to the children. Mom the nurturer becomes mom the authoritarian, and the kids begin to feel a void in their life that can create relational minefields in their future.
What about a dad who is there, but he remains disengaged? This too can be a problem; maybe an even bigger problem than an absent dad. It can lead to a loss in a child’s self-worth and identity. Children begin thinking that they are not important or not worthy of dad’s attention, or worse yet, they’re a burden to him. As a result, they can develop insecurities and anxieties and may never feel they measure up or are good enough – not to anyone.
Each parent has a separate role when it comes to building a child’s self-esteem. Moms instill value in her children and dads validate it. If mom is doing her job, but dad is not right behind her doing the validating, a son may enter into inappropriate relationships to do that for him, or a daughter may go out to find a boy or even an older man who will do the same. They want someone to validate their self worth; but they can only get that from dad.
But what is validation? It’s kind of like a stamp of approval. It tells them that they are loved and accepted for who they are, regardless. It validates that they are a valued and important part of the family and that they are a beautiful person worthy of the adoration of a father. Can’t you just tell a child that? Of course you can, and you should! But actions speak louder than words. Validation comes from showing you are interested in the child and not only willing to spend time with them, but that you cannot wait for the next time you two can spend together. It’s a very special and important part of your life.
What if the Father is Absent?
If your child does not have a father, or someone to fill that role in his or her life; it is important to ask your pastor or youth minister, or other family members to fill that void in a positive way for your child.
I knew a man who was slowly passing away from terminal cancer. Before he passed, he asked six different men to look after his children when he was gone. Now that is dedication. This man understood the importance of the role of the father. He wanted at least six men to be looking out for his children, to be sure they would have the support and validation they so desperately need, especially after the loss of a father they loved so much.
My Teen Doesn’t Want to Spend Time with Me
Not every dad knows how to be a good father, because they didn’t have a good example in their own life. That could be why there is a rift in your relationship. A shift in your parenting to become a validator will allow you to experience something you may never have had before in a relationship.
Perhaps you are struggling with your teen and sometimes just want to cut off the relationship and say “Enough is enough!” So maybe you’ve gotten overly involved in projects, sports or work and avoid your child. But even unruly children want their dad to offer them the same amount attention and dedication. They may not say it. They may even deny it with all their might. But no matter how nasty they’ve become, they still need their dad.
These dads may now have to work extra hard to validate their teen. And after they have broken the ice, they should continue to make sure they are doing a good job by asking, “Am I around you enough?” Or, “Do I support you like you need?” “Who do you know you can always count on…is it me?” Who is the second?” “Third?” Sometimes kids cannot explain their needs, but dad’s desire to talk to them shows that he cares, especially if he listens to them and takes them at their word. For all the dads out there that have “blown it” or parents that feel they have lost all connection with their kids, showing how you desire time and interaction with them now will still make a difference. Be persistent, and it will pay off.
Steps Toward Validation
Dads should make an effort to get together with their son or daughter once a week, no matter what. For daughters, make it a date. Go to dinner or a coffee shop and just sit and open your ears, look at her, and ask some good questions. Show her that you will go out of your way to talk to her about what matters most to her.
For sons, you’ll do a better job of validating by doing something active together, rather than sitting face to face. Work on a project, golf, hunt, fish, or attend a game together. You may need to go out of your way to find an interest you both have in common.
Positive validation through mutual participation in an activity (especially an activity you may not personally be that fond of ) gives your teenager the impression that you care. Strengthen that feeling by endeavoring to find some way to encourage and praise them, even if it is hard to find something praiseworthy.
Every child yearns for attention from the adults in their life. They might be on guard or may not trust you at first because in the past they have not felt so important to you. Make it clear to them that it is your desire now to spend time with them on a regular basis, and then be consistent. Both of you will benefit, but your teen will feel validated because they begin to feel that you really want to be with them and to nourish the relationship.
Kids need their mom’s and dad’s presence and attention to their needs. If not, they will look for value and validation somewhere else – usually from all the wrong places — but they will never truly find it.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of the Heartlight therapeutic boarding school, a residential counseling opportunity for struggling adolescents, which houses 50 teenagers. For more information, call 903-668-2173. Tell Mark what you think on Facebook: www.facebook.com/parentingteens
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All my life I’ve been going out of my way to get my father’s approval. And he’s never been impressed. -- Madonna
When Your Teen Is Struggling: Real Hope and Practical Help for Parents Today by Mark Gregston
The Way of the Wild Heart: A Map for the Masculine Journey by John Eldredge This is a book about how a boy -- and a man -- becomes a man. We live in a time where most men and boys are essentially fatherless. Whatever their circumstances, they have no man actually taking them through the many adventures, trials, battles and experiences they need to shape a masculine heart within them. They find themselves on their own to figure life out, and that is a lonely place to be. Their fears, anger, boredom and their many addictions all come out of this fatherless place within them, a fundamental uncertainty in the core of their being.
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John Eldredge and Stasi Eldredge This book shows readers the glorious design of women before the fall, describes how the feminine heart can be restored, and casts a vision for the power, freedom, and beauty of a woman released to be all she was meant to be. John and Stasi Eldredge invite women to recover their feminine hearts, created in the image of an intimate and passionate God. And more, they help parents to lead their daughters to become the strong and beautiful women they were created to be.
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