Permissive Parenting

by Dr. Richard O'Connor

More Information on Parenting Styles  -  Parenting Teens

Red Flags  -  Teen Behavior Problems

Coaching: Focusing on Solutions & Getting Results

Parents generally tend toward giving teens what they ask for -- within limits.  Knowing what the limits should be is the real trick of parenting these days.

For example, do you feel comfortable saying 'NO'

to going to an unsupervised party?

Here is a list of permissive parenting styles that describes the approaches many adults take toward dealing with their teens.  See if you find yourself here.

General Confused Permissiveness

This is the most common type of permissive parenting.  These are parents who feel out of touch with the contemporary adolescent world but have a vague feeling that the best thing they can do is be a friend to their teen.  Parents generally try to give the teen whatever he or she asks for.

Compensatory Permissiveness

This is the style often adopted by parents who grew up in poverty or who feel that their own parents were too strict.  They want to give their teen the material goods and behavioral freedom they themselves were denied.  Parents want to see themselves as an ally of their teen.

Conditional Permissiveness

This style is when parents will give the adolescent what he or she wants on condition that the teen satisfy certain parental demands, which are usually not explicit.  Freedom and material benefits are often given in return for behavior that reflects well on the family, such as making good grades or buttering up Aunt Sophie.  Parents tend to see the teens as mini-adults.

Indifferent Permissiveness

This describes parents who are too involved with other things to take an active part in their teen's life.  They tend to give material goods and freedom in return for the teen's not making too many demands on their time.  Parents may be overwhelmed by real problems in their lives, such as illness or poverty; they may be substance-dependent; or they may just be too self-absorbed to take a real interest in their teen.

All of these attitudes are likely to backfire

One problem is that the teen is likely to see his privileges and material goods as inherent rights rather than as benefits contingent on parental approval.  The teen is likely to keep raising the ante, asking for more and more, until parents hit a limit.  This can result in a cyclical overreaction.  The parents say "No," and the teen gets into trouble, making it clear that the teen thinks the parents are unfairly trying to control his or her life.  The parents get scared, feeling their authority is at risk.

Parents will typically then try to regain control by limiting some resource that the teen values -- the car, clothes, money.  The teen correctly perceives that this is a power struggle, and feels that his or her self-esteem is on the line.

Teens will often fight back by escalating behavior over which the parents have little or no control -- friends, sexual behavior, substance abuse.  The power struggle is now getting played for dangerous stakes.  Parents are suddenly confronted with the fact that their power over their teen rests with the teen's acceptance of their authority.

Talk with your teen about expectations and intentions

Fortunately, most parents and teens have enough residue of caring about each other to talk these issues through in calmer moments so that both can survive adolescence.

One way to do this is to establish a negotiation process.  Parents and teens can acknowledge openly that there are areas where parents have a legitimate right to exercise control over the decisions and behavior of the adolescent.  Then there are areas where parents and adolescents must negotiate the extent of authority that that each has.  Growing up is seen as this gradual extension of authority to the adolescent.

In this way, the adolescent develops decision-making skills while still under the protection of the parent.  Parents are expected to state the reasons for their decisions, rather than arbitrarily withdrawing privileges out of anger and hurt.

There's nothing like living with a teenager to make you examine yourself and your value system.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Richard O'Connor is the author of Undoing Perpetual Stress: The Missing Connection Between Depression, Anxiety and 21st Century Illness.  Read Dr. O'Connor's article, Red Flags.