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Making and keeping these three universal resolutions

will accelerate our self-development

and, potentially, increase our influence with others.

Every individual struggles to gain and maintain alignment with core values, ethics and principles.  Whatever our professed personal beliefs, we all face restraining forces, opposition and challenges, and these sometimes cause us to do things that are contrary to our stated missions, intentions and resolutions. 

We may think that we can change deeply imbedded habits and patterns simply by making new resolutions or goals only to find that old habits die hard and that in spite of good intentions and social promises, familiar patterns carry over from year to year.

We often make two mistakes with regard to resolutions.

• We don't have a clear knowledge of who we are. Hence, our habits become our identity, and to resolve to change a habit is to threaten our security.  We fail to see that we are not our habits.  We can make and break our habits.  We need not be a victim of conditions or conditioning.  We can write our own script, choose our course, and control our own destiny.

• We don't have a clear picture of where we want to go; therefore, our resolves are easily uprooted, and we then get discouraged and give up. 

Replacing a deeply imbedded bad habit with a good one involves much more than being temporarily "psyched up" over some simplistic success formula, such as "think positively" or "try harder."  It takes deep understanding of self and of the principles and processes of growth and change.   These include: assessment, commitment, feedback, and follow-though.

We will soon break our resolutions if we don't regularly report our progress to somebody and get objective feedback on our performance.  Accountability breeds response-ability.  Commitment and involvement produce change.

Breaking deeply imbedded habits such as procrastinating, criticizing, overeating or oversleeping involves more than a little wishing and will power.  Often our own resolve is not enough.  We need reinforcing relationships, people, and programs that hold us accountable and responsible.

Remember: response-ability is the ability to choose our response to any circumstance or condition.  When we are response-able, our commitment becomes more powerful than our moods or circumstances, and we keep the promises and resolutions we make.

Universal Resolutions

In each of our lives, there are powerful restraining forces at work to pull down any new resolution or initiative.  Among those forces are:

• appetites and passions

• pride and pretension

• aspiration and ambition

We can overcome these restraining forces by making and keeping the following three resolutions.

RESOLUTION ONE:  Exercise self-discipline and self-denial

To overcome the restraining forces of appetites and passions, resolve to exercise self-discipline and self-denial.   Whenever we over-indulge physical appetites and passions, we impair our mental processes and judgments as well as our social relationships.  Our bodies are ecosystems, and if our economic or physical side is off-balance, all other systems are affected.

The principles of temperance, consistency and self-discipline become foundational to a person's whole life.  Trust comes from trustworthiness and that comes from competence and character. Intemperance adversely affects our judgment and wisdom.

I realize that some people are intemperate and still show greatness, even genius.   But over time, it catches up with them.  Many among the "rich and famous" have lost fortunes and faith, success and effectiveness, because of intemperance.  Either we control our appetites and passions, or they control us.

For example, many of us succumb to the longing for extra sleep, rest and leisure.  How many times do you set the alarm or your mind to get up early, knowing all of the things you have to do in the morning, anxious to get the day organized right, to have a calm and orderly breakfast, to have an unhurried and peaceful preparation before leaving for work?  But when the alarm goes off, your good resolves dissolve.  It's a battle of mind versus mattress!   Often the mattress wins.  You find yourself getting up late, then beginning a frantic rush to get dressed, organized, fed and be off.  In the rush, you grow impatient and insensitive to others.  Nerves get frayed, tempers short.  And all because of sleeping in.

A chain of unhappy events and sorry consequences follows not keeping the first resolution of the day to get up at a certain time.  That day may begin and end in defeat.  The extra sleep is hardly ever worth it.  In fact, considering the above, such sleep is terribly tiring and exhausting.

What a difference if you organize and arrange your affairs the night before to get to bed at a reasonable time.  I find that the last hour before retiring is the best time to plan and prepare for the next day.  Then when the alarm goes off, you get up and prepare properly for the day.  Such an early-morning private victory gives you a sense of conquering, overcoming mastering and this sense propels you to conquer more public challenges during the day.  Success begets success.  Starting a day with an early victory over self leads to more victories. 

RESOLUTION TWO:  Lead your life and manage your relationships around principles

To overcome the restraining forces of pride and pretension,  resolve to work on character and competence.  Socrates said, "The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be."  This means to be, in reality, what we want other to think we are.

Much of the world is image-conscious, and the social mirror is powerful in creating our sense of who we are.  The pressure to appear powerful, successful and fashionable causes some people to become manipulative.  When you are living in harmony with your core values and principles, you can be straight-forward, honest and up-front.  And nothing is more disturbing to a person who is full of trickery and duplicity than straight-forward honesty that's the one thing they can't deal with.

Whenever we indulge appetites and passions, we are rather easily seduced by pride and pretension.  We then start making appearances, playing roles and mastering manipulative techniques.  If our definition or concept of ourselves comes from what others think of us from the social mirror we will gear our lives to their wants and their expectations; and the more we live to meet the expectations of others, the more weak, shallow and insecure we become. 

When we examine anger, hatred, envy, jealousy, pride and prejudice or any other negative emotion or passion we often discover that at their root lies the desire to be accepted, approved and esteemed of others.  We then seek a shortcut to the top.  But the bottom line is that there is no shortcut to lasting success.  The law of the harvest still applies, in spite of all the talk of "how to beat the system."

If people play roles and pretend long enough, giving in to their vanity and pride, they will gradually deceive themselves.  They will be buffeted by conditions, threatened by circumstances and other people. They will then fight to maintain their false front.  But if they come to accept the truth about themselves, following the laws and principles of the harvest, they will gradually develop a more accurate concept of themselves.

The effort to be fashionable puts one on a treadmill that seems to go faster and faster, almost like chasing a shadow.  Appearances alone will never satisfy; therefore, to build our security on fashions, possessions or status symbols may prove to be our undoing.  Edwin Hubbell Chapin said: "Fashion is the science of appearances, and it inspires one with the desire to seem rather than to be."

Certainly, we should be interested in the opinions and perceptions of others so that we might be more effective with them, but we should refuse to accept their opinion as a fact and then act or react accordingly.

RESOLUTION THREE:  Dedicate your talents and resources to noble purposes and provide service to others

To overcome the restraining forces of unbridled aspiration and ambition, resolve to dedicate your talents and resources to noble purposes and to provide service to others.

If people are "looking out for number one" and "what's in it for me," they will have no sense of stewardship no sense of being an agent for worthy principles, purposes and causes.  They become a law unto themselves.

They may talk the language of stewardship, but they will always figure out a way to promote their own agenda.  They may be dedicated and hard-working, but they are not focused on stewardship -- the idea that you don't own anything, that you give your life to higher principles, causes, purposes.  Rather, they are focused on power, wealth, fame, position, dominion, and possessions.

The ethical person looks at every economic transaction as a test of his or her moral stewardship.  That's why humility is the mother of all other virtues because it promotes stewardship. Then everything else that is good will work through you.  But if you get into pride into "my will, my agenda, my wants" then you must rely totally upon your own strengths.  You're not in touch with what Jung calls "the collective unconscious" -- the power of the larger ethos which unleashes energy through your work.

Aspiring people seek their own glory and are deeply concerned with their own agenda.  They may even regard their own spouse or children as possessions and try to wrest from them the kind of behavior that will win them more popularity and esteem in the eyes of others.  Such possessive love is destructive.  Instead of being an agent or steward, they interpret everything in life in terms of "what it will do for me."  Everybody then becomes either a competitor or conspirator.  Their relationships, even intimate ones, tend to be competitive rather than cooperative.  They use various methods of manipulation such as threat, fear, bribery, pressure, deceit, and charm to achieve their ends.

Until people have the spirit of service, they might say they love a companion, company or cause, but they often despise the demands these make on their lives.  Double-mindedness, having two conflicting motives or interests, inevitably sets a person at war within himself or herself and an internal civil war often breaks out into war with others.  The opposite of double-mindedness is self-unity or integrity.  We achieve integrity through the dedication of ourselves to selfless service of others.

Implications for Personal Growth

Unless we have control of our appetites, we will not be in control of our passions and emotions.  We will, instead, becomes victims of our passions, seeking or aspiring our own wealth, dominion, prestige and power.

I once tried to counsel a junior executive to be more committed to higher principles.  It appeared futile.  Then I began to realize that I was asking him to conquer the third temptation before he had conquered the first.  It was like expecting a child to walk before crawl.  So I changed the approach and encouraged him to first discipline his body.  We then got great results.

If we conquer some basic appetites first, we will have the power to make good on higher level resolutions later.  For example, many people would experience a major transformation if they would maintain normal weight through a healthy diet and exercise program.  They would not only look better, but they would also feel better, treat others better, and increase their capacity to do the important but not necessarily urgent things they long to do.

Until you can say "I am my master,"

you cannot say "I am your servant." 

This reminds me of the plea of Richard Rich to Thomas More in the movie, A Man For All Seasons. Richard Rich admired More's honesty and integrity and wanted to be employed by him.  He pleaded, "Employ me."  More answered, "No."  Again Rich pleaded, "Employ me," and again the answer was no.  Then Rich made this pitiful yet endearing promise: "Sir Thomas, employ me.  I would be faithful to you."

Sir Thomas, knowing what mastered Richard Rich, answered, "Richard, you can't even so much as answer for yourself tonight," meaning "You might profess to be faithful now, but all it will take is a different circumstance, the right bribe or pressure, and you will be so controlled by your ambition and pride that you could not be faithful to me."  Sir Thomas More's prognosis came to pass that very night, for Richard Rich betrayed him!

The key to growth is to learn to make promises

and to keep them.

Self-denial is an essential element in overcoming all three temptations.  "One secret act of self-denial, one sacrifice of inclination to duty is worth all the mere good thoughts, warm feelings, passionate prayers, in which idle men indulge themselves," said John Henry Newman.  "The worst education which teaches self-denial is better than the best which teaches everything else and not that," said Sterling. 

© 1996, 1998 Covey Leadership Center and Franklin Covey.  All rights reserved.

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Read All The Books

More Information

7 Family Habits ~ An overview of Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.

Ancient Lessons for Modern Times ~ Stories of the following Biblical personalities are examined:  Jacob, Joseph, Balaam, Samson, Saul, David, Solomon, and Haman.  This examination indicates that the purpose of leadership is not fame, power, fortune, or settling old scores, but to lead people with truth and righteousness.

Character and Success ~ Article by Theodore Roosevelt.

Facing Your Giants:  Tough Promises ~ Keeping promises creates heroes.  This sermon was one that served as the foundation for Max Lucado’s book, Facing Your Giants.

Family Oriented Principles ~ The 10 principles are:  (1) Promote the health of your marriage; (2) Balance work and family; (3) Avoid triangulation; (4) Seek win-win solutions; (5) Be the leader of the family; (6) Establish healthy boundaries; (7) Encourage respect for others; (8) Eliminate family secrets; (9) Seek out professional help; and (10) Advocate for children.

Fifteen Principles of Life ~ Ethics guide the good life.  Put ethics and principles above pleasure, convenience, safety, income, career, your presumed place in the world, and the way others view you. Living a principled life is the key to a satisfying life.

The Gift of Integrity ~ A Rwandan proverb captures the essence of integrity saying “You can out-distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.”  To be a person of integrity is to do the right thing, even when no one else is watching.  The question: how does one teach this important life lesson to children?

Integrity ~ Integrity goes beyond speaking the truth to include taking responsibility for how one thinks and feels and what one does.  It includes the genuine presentation of oneself to others (being sincere) as well as the internal sense that one is a morally coherent being.  The word integrity comes from the Latin integritas, meaning 'wholeness'.

Laying the Foundation:  Building Character in the Home ~ We lay a foundation by building character in the home.  The groundwork includes three basic conditions:  being a good role model, providing a warm and caring environment, and setting and enforcing clear limits.

Learning Self-Discipline ~ Self-discipline is the ability to regulate one’s conduct by principle and sound judgment, rather than by impulse, desire, or social custom.  Biblically, self-discipline may be summarized in one word: obedience.

On Honesty and Self-Deception:  'You Are The Man' ~ Honesty remains central to our moral codes and counsels.  Deceptions subvert the moral life, and destroy the foundations of our social arrangements.  Whatever basis for humane communion is to be found in either principles of respect for persons or faith in God is eroded by our failures to treat each other as persons worthy of being told the truth.

Playing the 'Dad Card' ~ One of the ground rules of successfully instilling principles in your daughter without provocation is that you must be convicted of those principles yourself.  If you stand for your principles, your daughter will consider you a hero.  If you try to instill principles in your daughter of which you are not convicted, you become a hypocrite.

The Positive Psychology of Self-Control ~ Three types of control must be present in order to achieve a positive community:  self-control, shared control, and submission to external control must work together in concert.

Practical Spirituality and Spiritual Growth ~ A series by Paul Wong on developing your Spirituality through the Fivefold path.  Using New Testament and Buddhist teachings, as well as positive psychology, Dr Wong has developed the Fivefold path to help people grow their spiritual discipline.

Principled Communication ~ People instinctively trust those whose personalities are founded upon correct principles.  We have evidence of this in our long-term relationships.  We learn that communication techniques are relatively unimportant compared to trust, which is the result of our trustworthiness over time.  When trust is high, we communicate easily, effortlessly, instantaneously.  We can make mistakes, and others will still capture our meaning.  But when trust is low, communication is exhausting, time-consuming, ineffective, and inordinately difficult.

Self-Discipline ~ What do we really want out of life? That’s the first question.  The next question is, “What will that cost?”  Finally, we come to the most pertinent question of all, “Are we willing to pay the price in order to get what we say we really, really want?”  These questions must be asked from time to time, because we don’t want to come to the end of life and find that we’ve just lived in the heat of the moment with no real intentionality.  We want to be people who have a genuine sense of calling and purpose.

Self-Discipline May Beat Smarts As Key to Success ~ Self-discipline is a better predictor of academic success than even IQ.   Many of America's children have trouble making choices that require them to sacrifice short-term pleasure for long-term gain, and that programs that build self-discipline may be the royal road to building academic achievement.

Taking Ownership of Life ~ Sometimes it is difficult to see our own potential.  It is strange to wonder how we get to the place we are at in life, and why it is us, and not someone else.  What is it that drives one individual to become successful, and limits another individual?

Trustworthiness ~ Trust is the basis of all good relationships and a cornerstone of good character.  Trustworthy people keep their promises; they are honest, reliable, and principled; and they never inappropriately betray a confidence.

Twelve Tests of Character ~ Online book by Harry Emerson Fosdick.

Winning the War From the Inside Out ~ Article on conscience by John MacArthur.