Rights of Children of Divorce

by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

Information and Resources

Stepfamilies & Co-Parenting  -  Single Parenting

Help Your Teen Adjust To A Stepfamily

1.  Continue to love both parents without guilt or disapproval (subtle or overt) by either parent or other relatives.

2.  Be repeatedly reassured that the divorce is not their fault.

3.  Be reassured they are safe and their needs will be provided.

4.  Have a special place for their own belongings at both parent's residences.

5.  Visit both parents regardless of what the adults in the situation feel, and regardless of convenience, or money situations.

6.  Express anger and sadness in their own way, according to age and personality (not have to give justification for their feelings or have to cope with trying to be talked out of their feelings by adults).

7.  Not be messengers between parents; not to carry notes, legal papers, money or requests between parents.

8.  Not make adult decisions, including where they will live, where and when they will be picked up or dropped off, or who is to blame.

9.  Love as many people as they choose without being made to feel guilty or disloyal.  (Loving and being loved by many people is good for children; there is not a limit on the number of people a child can love.)

10.  Continue to be kids.  In other words, not take on adult duties and responsibilities or become a parent's special confidant, companion or comforter (i.e., not to hear repeatedly about financial problems or relationship difficulties).

11.  Stay in contact with relatives, including grandparents and special family friends.

12.  Choose to spend at least one week a year living apart from their custodial parent.

13.  Not be on an airplane, train or bus on major holidays for the convenience of adults.

14.  Have teachers and school informed about the new status of their family.

15.  Have time with each parent doing activities that create a sense of closeness and special memories.

16.  Have a daily and weekly routine that is predictable and can be verified by looking at a schedule on a calendar in a system understandable to the child. (For instance: a green line represents the scheduled time with dad, and a purple line represents the scheduled time with mom, etc.)

17.  Participate in sports, special classes or clubs that support their unique interests, and have adults that will get them to these events, on time without guilt or shame.

18.  Contact the absent parent and have phone conversations without eavesdropping or tape-recording.

19.  Ask questions and have them answered respectfully with age-appropriate answers that do not include blaming or belittlement's of anyone.

20.  Be exposed to both parents' religious ideas (without shame), hobbies, interests and tastes in food.

21.  Have consistent and predictable boundaries in each home.  Although the rules in each house may differ significantly, each parent's set of rules needs to be predictable within their household.

22.  Be protected from hearing adult arguments and disputes.

23.  Have parents communicate (even if only in writing) about their medical treatment, psychological treatment, educational issues, accidents and illnesses.

24.  Not be interrogated upon return from the other parent's home or asked to spy in the other parent's home.

25.  Own pictures of both parents.

26.  Choose to talk with a special adult about their concerns and issues (counselor, therapist or special friend).

Information and Resources

Adult Children of Divorce ~ For those who are 18 years and older, becoming the child of a split household requires a rapid change in a person's world view and the way they perceive themselves.  It can shatter a person's self-image as one of the "lucky ones" with an intact family and parents who were and are happy together, and forces a reevaluation of an adult's perception of their childhood.

Divorce affects father, child relations ~ In families with divorced parents, the emotional distance is the greatest between teenagers and their fathers, with repercussions affecting the children into their college years.

Divorce in the Family ~ The two most damaging blows that can occur to a family are divorce and death of a parent.

The Effects of Divorce on Children (pdf) ~ Although painful, discussing the separation and divorce with your children will strengthen your relationship with them. It will also maintain their trust in you.  Sharing general information is appropriate when talking with younger children.  Adolescents will want more details.  Be sure to let them know what the future holds for them.  They will want to know what their relationship will be with both parents.

Hints for Divorcing Parents ~ Excellent advice including not to forget to take some time for yourself to rest and heal during this stressful period in your life.

Hugs To Heartbreak ~ The definition of parental alienation is heartbreakingly simple — one parent deliberately damages, and in some cases destroys, the previously healthy loving relationship between the child and the child's other parent.  This site offers information on parental alienation, including a blog and resources.

Parental Alienation Awareness Organization ~ Educates the public and professionals about prevention of, and responses to, Parental Alienation, parental alienation behaviors and Hostile Aggressive Parenting by offering seminars, conferences and meetings and by collecting and disseminating information on these topics.

Parenting Teenagers During Divorce ~ Parenting teenagers during divorce makes working out a visitation schedule challenging.  While your teen is busy trying to exert independence, you still need to lay some ground rules to make sure that the other parent stays involved in your child's life.  This article will give you some tips to help keep visitation fights to a minimum.

The Rachel Foundation for Family Reintegration ~ Provides reintegration programs and services for parents and children whose bonds of love and affection have been damaged or destroyed by abduction and/or alienation.